Memoir 10

My not true love

There is no one in my life whom I have dared to love truly, just glimpses of being loved and loving. Many times I have wondered why. I have never learned how to love fully. If I had received love, would I be able to love?

My past unfolds into the present and carries into my future. Every minute of my existence, I am rediscovering edges and corners of my being; its unfolding seems never to cease. Staying present to what it brings results in impatience at times. The process seems to last only a split second, but when put together, it lasts my whole life.

We are all capable of loving and receiving love. Love is like komorebi (木漏れ日)  – sunshine flirting through trees – enough to nurture vegetation in the shaded corners of the forest. It makes your heart joyful when you bathe in its warmth. Trees are the filters of incoming love, like one’s own thoughts.

Can you feel it? Every time I am in the forest, my heart opens. That is the only place that allows for it to be gradually revealed to myself. I carry it to the outside world, and it does not shut down as much as before.

I hold your hand when you’re asleep.
That was one way of showing my trust.
Unnoticed, but an act very dear to my heart.

I get closer to your body when you’re asleep.
That is one way of showing my affection.
Unseen, but a brave gesture on my part.

To you – my not true love

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